Slap

What a long time. Exam period makes me don't have much feeling to express, so I've got nothing to write. Or maybe just too busy to study at last minute? I know its bad, and I'm not that good at last minute too. I take quite some times to understand some simple things too, but everytime I repeat this mistake. My bad.

Sounds not happy and cheerful right? Yes I'm totally sad now. Yesterday after settling my final exam for this semester, I feel relieved, and at the same time, I feel sad for my FEA. I swear I know how to do all the questions, I know the methods and I did them all, but guess what, my substituted values are wrong. When I realize I was wrong, I'm already at the third page of the solution of that particular question. And I don't have enough time to erase, change or redo. I'm frustrated and my hands even, started to shake. My tears almost burst because this is the most fucking case in the world. I rather feel like I don't know how to do at all. I guess, in total of 40 marks, after I've substituted all the wrong values, how much can I get? 5? 10? In the end, I just have my methods and calculations all done, just wish that, MAYBE, calculations carry marks. But that doesn't change my mind, I just feel stupid, because of the wrong values. I feel like, I rather don't do all those past years questions, don't revise much, don't be so stressed for that subject! Perhaps my marks will just be the same like I didn't study much, but in fact I did, and I've wasted all my efforts because of those stupid units!

I'm speechless after that paper. Maybe after CIM I have some bad feelings too, but this time the feeling is much stronger, perhaps I give too much hope on this paper... And I'll be disappointed, again!

Yesterday, hanging out is the sweetest things to cover up my sadness towards FEA. I've totally forgotten about it, we chit chat and watch a nice movie. That is just so... sweet. A sweet escape from my emo-ness. I know I'll be very sad and disappointed of that paper/my performance, its just the matter of time. And its now, I'm sad of it.

So, it's Friday today. I not yet sleep, last night spending all my time online, have fun, watch a movie, YouTube, videos, forums, phones bla bla bla. Just now I take a nap then go and have my log book for internship, and that's just fine. Then I walk alone to SKET to check the results for Etnik. Yes, it already comes out, really fast and efficient before I can take a breathe.

So here comes another big disappointment. It makes me think in a very negative way, am I wrong again? My studying method or what? And everytime, these bullshit subject I just get bullshit marks. Or am I expecting too much from myself? I done it bad again. I almost wipe my eyes to make sure whether the results are correct. Yes it is. And I hate this feeling. I'm very sad and disappointed (again), walking back alone to room, under the freaking hot sun, my sweat flows like water straight to my toes. I'm tired, its like I wish I can just sit down in the halfway and think back, what have I done wrong? And why am I being such responsible to check those results for all my friends, and I end up like this? I feel stupid, numb, there's no need to be so excited to see those fucking results. And I hate myself too. I know I can't predict future, and I know too, I thought I'm better than that, I mean, better than now.

Too much problem to deal with, its like I've done too much mistakes, and I've got much things to learn, still! I'm tired... Why is the reality so cruel? Why am I always got freaked out and fucked up? And why can't I hope the best for myself? Why is there too much disappointment in life? I know I'm asking some stupid questions, but, I just can't find answers for them.

I wish that, each time when I open my eyes, I'll be having a new day. Life's unpredictable, I know. Life's not a bed of roses, I understand too. I wish that I can accept all those ups and downs easily, that's it. Final's end, this semester ends, waiting to go home, waiting for internship, all those boring documents. I want holiday.